I think I'm paranoid

I think I'm paranoid by DekinaiKa
I think I'm paranoid, a photo by DekinaiKa on Flickr.

I wanted to take the time to post this photo here, it is undoubtedly one of my favorites I've taken since I got into my new hobby of photo-snapping. I don't call it photography cause I'm far from a photographer, I don't know the lore, the technique, the strategy. I'm a noob. Yet this one caught my eye right after I shot it and even more when I ran it through some color adjustment.

Funny enough it has almost 2k hits on my flickr account, got 1.7k+ in only 2 days. I was shocked, surprised, amused even. I'm really glad tho, feels nice, even if people didn't really comment on it or anything. I guess it's a good shot if it gets as many views as it did. Motivates me to keep going.

The lady friend says I'm getting better at it but I don't feel like I am, out of so many pictures it's common that only one or a few are decent enough for my taste. Then again, my taste is probably nothing special since I'm new to this. I don't know about composition, about lighting, about all this that has to take place in seconds. This time everything came into place nicely. I love the sun coming just a bit over the glasses, the blue contrasting the orange-ish face tones, reminds me of Transformers color palette.

For everyone out there interested in photography, don't be scared, just pick up a camera and shoot. Shoot everything, shoot anything. Eventually I, and you, will learn something. So far I find that getting any acknowledgement from doing so is hard, seems impossible, so I can't comment on that. I don't do it for the roses tho, I do it cause I like it, cause I enjoy it. It's fun, very fun. I think when I'm old I will have all this things to look back upon and smile. A life reminder, a trapped moment, a glimpse at a younger me and the people who were with me, who might still be with me.

On the other hand I feel that I've been really neglecting writing in here. The short story is coming along nicely, ever more intriguing, i don't know where I want to take that project to, how far. But it's nice to spend some time telling myself a story not even I know the ending to.

One of this new years resolutions was to travel more, if not much at least to travel. Tomorrow I am taking a train to one of the cities that have intrigued me the most for the longest time. I am excited and scared. Happy, as well, for the company that will sit besides me.

I don't want to be a tourist cliche but I plan on shooting a lot of film this weekend. Balancing this need with just taking time to relax and enjoy seems hard inside my mind. I yearn for an amazing dinner with wine and candles somewhere near the river. I don't look forward to not knowing where to go and what to do and wasting my time being lost.

It's also hard when I know I can't properly speak the language, makes me feel impaired, crippled. Stupid, even, and feeling stupid is one of the feelings I hate the most. I seriously need to start being ridiculous and let myself learn. It's silly to know that it's me, myself, not letting me learn because of this fear of sounding like a retard. Specially in front of people I care about.

Life is interesting that way, makes me reflect on things I cannot change and lose time focusing on things I can. Sometimes it's too late and I say "sorry" so many times it sounds like I don't mean it even when I do. Sometimes I get a slim moment of glory and I realize I'm here, being me and I take in fully a breathe of life. Large enough to last me until the next one. Wish me luck on this trip. See you all, whomever you are that care enough to read through this lonely lines I write, when I come back. Adieu.

-R.